A Word About Father’s Day

Father’s Day is a really awkward day for me, I’ve always internally struggled with how was I supposed to feel on this day? I have a perfectly fine dad, he was a good provider and never abusive. He came home every night and fulfilled all of his “head of the household” duties.

Still, awkwardness is there.

The major ingredient that’s missing is an emotional connection. I have always felt invisible to him and disconnected. He’s a man of few words and really hates being inconvenienced in anyway. For as long as I can remember, the “don’t bother me” vibe has always exuded out of him. An invisible barrier and force field meant to keep anything annoying out of his space. That was hurtful for me growing up.

I imagine for a super sensitive and intuitive person like myself that was too much to understand. Too much to bear. I remember wishing I would be “daddy’s little girl” feeling envious of any other girl that got this delicious and special treatment bestowed upon them by their dad. I remember wondering “why doesn’t my dad go ape shit spewing complements when I walk in the room?” I had seen other dad’s behave that way with their daughters … why did I get the broken dad?

He’s a man of few words.

I’m grateful for the internal work I’ve done over the course of my life, its helped me to understand that it wasn’t me. My dad isn’t capable of sharing his heartfelt feelings with most. He keeps his feelings very close to his chest.

I really hope that he shares them with my mom.

Every year I’m tormented picking out a Father’s Day card. Standing like a complete fool in the drugstore, reading card after card. Attempting to find the perfect card to express where I’m at emotionally that year. I roll my eyes most of the time thinking that the cards are way too mushy and sentimental. My thoughts racing, my palms sweating, my head screaming, “you can’t send that card, that’s for girls that feel like daddy’s little girl.” Where are the cards for the girls that had a perfectly fine, very responsible, emotionally absent father?

I find that Father’s Day cards are either super- mushy or really sterile. I need an in-between card!

Not too mushy and not too cut and dry…

Shit.

This year I stretched myself. After my usual half hour of card reading frenzy, I found one that was nice and a bit mushier than I would usually purchase. In the spur of the moment I decided to go for it! The expansion for me is uncomfortable, but my dad is getting older and my heartfelt wish is to not carry this awkwardness until its too late.

I’m working on it.

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